Overcoming Sexual Abuse Trauma
Today in observing a caregiver's interactions with my babe, I noticed that although Sophia kindly asked her to stop reading to her she simply proceeded with reading. And Sophia asked again and at that point I had a revelation that I feel compelled to share because perhaps my story will resonate with you....what I will share is a personal experience about sexual trauma, programming received and how I struggled to cope and how I was able to break free and overcome what had been holding me back for years...
When I think about my recovery from sexual abuse trauma I endured as a child and some of the things that have taken place in my life shaped my experiences this one has affected my life in so many ways. At point of my life it affected most of my relationships, it affected my self-worth and for years it was something that held me back because on some level I felt shame. I could not cope well with the fact that this had happened to me. Mainly because I remember vividly as a child feeling excited when my abuser was “playing” with me…and that made me feel ashamed.
So for a long time I did what I was told as a child, not say a word about it. I pretended it was ok, forgotten and thought it would go away. Until I was a teenager and sexuality became and an exploratory subject I recall the very first time I was sexual with someone, I remember not really wanting to have sex but doing it anyway. And this very scenario began to play out over and over in my adult life and sexuality. I never understood why I simply could not say no without feeling badly. And this dictum or pattern manifested in all other areas of my life, in relationships, career, food, finances...
I struggled to feel good in my body for over half of my life.
So all this shame I felt from having had that experience that cracked my soul, cracked the order of my development…because what happens to a child or anyone that endures a traumatic experience is that the pathways and receptors in the brain change and the chemical responses released during these traumatic events become our fix. Our normal. Our biology and in a subconscious way, our desire.
Once I had my first sexual experience, this unraveled a series of feelings and self destructive patterns no one was willing to understand, mainly because I was taught to be good and comply…so you can imagine the turmoil and conflict I walked around for years…I felt like I could not say no, like I would be seen as a bad person for defining my boundaries and that led to an obsession with controlling my weight and suppressing food, bingeing and purging. I tried so hard to feel in control and my attempts were always defeated by not being able to have boundaries and feel comfortable with having them.
For over nearly half of my life I had a dysfunctional relationship with food and sex. A binge and purge relationship with both so to speak. On one end all I wanted to do was eat and be sexual, but on the other end it was like I did not feel worthy of pleasure or nurturing. I had to resort to something that would make me feel the pain and discomfort that became familiar.
So being triggered today by interactions I observed made me realize that from a very young age my boundaries were not honored. I was probably much like Sophia in that I was likely willful and firm in my likes and dislikes but as they were ignored or my mother tried to do the best she knew how and forced me to conform and be a compliant child. It was this very element that yielded way for some of my experiences and my inability to say no comfortably, the desire and programming that I had received "to be good."
So here I am 33 years after the fact feeling pretty damn empowered and gifted. It may sound crazy to say that my painful experiences have been a gift but a am walking proof that they are. It took a lot of shifting, a lot of support and guidance to achieve the mindset needed to overcome my trauma, to feel valuable, to feel safe enough within myself to say no to anything that does not make me feel uplifted.
I guide women through this process of recovery because it has made all the difference in me wanting to stay alive. Wanting to find purpose. I help women who want to become conscious parents so the cycles and patterns and programming that we have innocently inherited can be broken. So that the language you speak is in alignment with your desires and your passions for you to be able to reach your goals.
Take a journey with in Living Fearlessly, healing, self-discovery, self love and give yourself a support system to achieve the biggest visions you have possible. Your Transformation awaits J. Live fearlessly. This program is open to a select 8 women. During 8 weeks you will spend an hour each week one on one with me discussing a different aspect of what your life would be if you were not afraid to say no, you will attend and have access to a weekly webinars with with the focus on creating healthy boundaries, learning to nourish yourself optimally, how you can tap into abundance through healing the parts of you that are delaying the success that you know exists for you...